Millions of years ago, magma from earth’s mantle burst through the planet’s crust like a pimple oozing pus-like molten rock, eventually forming an island chain in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where the local population developed a taste for a salad of cube-shaped raw fish named poke. And in 2016, some misguided, unfortunate, short-sighted human being opened Poke Inn, a shop selling this fish in Beijing’s very own oozing pimple, Sanlitun SOHO.
Poke bowls, like volcanoes, are hot this year. Poke Inn, however, sucks.
Let us first explain the poke bowl phenomenon: cube-shaped fish bits are served atop a bed of rice, as per Hawaiian tradition. Yet while Hawaii’s 130-plus islands were formed by what’s known in geological circles as a ‘hotspot,’ Poke Inn’s location in the dusky-gray bowels of Sanlitun SOHO is not quite as hot. This is the first sign of its impending doom.
There are, of course, gems within SOHO’s metaphorical rough. This is not one of them. Poke Inn is a tiny, pastel-colored closet of a restaurant with a small counter from which we choose our preferred poke (various sesame-based sauces on salmon, largely indistinguishable) and toppings (RMB48-78, depending on bowl size). The buffet features sad kimchi, miserable seaweed, despondent onions, and then some passable avocados that just need a couple more days to ripen.
The rice is clumpy and gross, which is important, because despite the poke bowl's aesthetically cut dead-animal bits, it is actually 50-percent white grain – unless you choose the green route and get your poke on a bed of iceberg lettuce. But why on earth would you want that?
While we’re asking questions, here’s a few more: Why would you want to drink beers here (Coronas for sale), next to an eerily empty Hello Kitty-themed nail salon? Why would you pay RMB10 to add avocado to your bowl if the avocados aren’t even ripe? Geologically speaking, Hawaii has been around for millions of years. We predict a much shorter lifespan for Poke Inn.
Images by Holly Li
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